Hello, everyone! I am making one of my rare appearances. I never intend to neglect this site it just sort of....happens. I think I'm a bit over the idea of putting my every thought, experience and food creation out there for the world to see. It's easy to get so distracted in cyberspace that you neglect the real world. I've been enjoying the real world.
That having been said, I also realize that a lot of people enjoy this site! The Holy Grail Pizza Crust is an enduring favorite, and I am so thankful for the many people who have enjoyed that recipe. I'm even glad it's been found on other websites. I have this thing about not "owning" a recipe. My great-grandmother Grannie Kay had this AMAZING recipe for sweet rolls. They were sweet but not too sweet, sticky but not too sticky, savory and perfect in every way - and when she passed, she took the recipe with her. I am forever left with memories of these incredible sweet rolls that I can never have again (and yes, I've tried, and gotten close but.....they're just not the SAME.) So I just don't care to have secret recipes, I'd rather share the love and that's certainly how it's worked out with the pizza crust.
A recipe is MEANT to be shared. I developed mine from other people's recipes, and I see others that have taken my recipe and adapted it further. That's the nature of these things. Many thanks to my faithful viewers, and I'm truly just happy that so many people have been able to find and use that crust. I know it was a game changer for me.
So, I want to talk about food for a minute. (DUH, that's the point of the website). Food for me has always been a passion, and at the risk of sounding cliché, something of a journey as well. As a kid I was extremely picky, and skinny as a rail. In my teens I developed a penchant for eating ALL THE THINGS, and while I didn't really become overweight, I certainly lost some slimness. Youth worked in my favor until my late 20s, when the eating started to get the better of me. Some health issues stepped in, and over time I found myself 40lbs over a healthy weight for my build. 40 pounds. I swore I'd get it off, which is how I discovered keto - which is very effective, but difficult to maintain. I tried exercise (which I HATE, not gonna lie), and that worked too - but the underlying health issues interfered again. I always ended up back in the upper regions of my weight range, and I hated it.
Eventually I realized that it wasn't the food. It wasn't my metabolism. It wasn't even my health problems, though those certainly played a part. It was ME. There was something inside myself that WANTED to overeat. Something driving me to hurt myself with food. It wasn't conscious, but it was overwhelming. And I couldn't "will" myself past it.
That was not a fun realization to come to. Understand, I'm not blaming myself per se. Truth be told, I needed to admit to myself that there was something here that was more than I could fight. Something beyond the physical and rational. Something that was out to hurt me, and it was winning. To add to this, I have also suffered from some pretty severe depression over the last few years. Ugly depression. I don't cry when I'm depressed - I RAGE. Being in that bottomless pit AND realizing that the overeating is actually a drive that goes beyond metabolism and food was actually a bit of a watershed moment. Because it made me face the fact that I was in over my head. I needed something outside of myself to step in, something stronger. And I needed to believe, truly, that that something was out to help me, not to hurt me.
I understand that in AA, it's crucial to realize that your addiction is bigger than you. That no matter how hard you try, you cannot overcome the addiction without help. I came to that understanding with food. I needed to stop trying to overcome the undefeatable, and turn to Someone who CAN defeat it.
So I did. I know a lot of AA attendees have a hard time calling that higher power God, Jesus, etc. I don't have that problem; but there is a value is stepping away from all the trappings and traditions that accompany those familiar terms and just placing yourself in the hands of something Greater. Something bigger than yourself. Something bigger than your addiction. Something bigger than your understanding of the world. Something bigger than depression. Something - and this is key - that WANTS TO HELP YOU. Something big and kind and helpful that is not out to hurt or destroy you.
The trick is believing that such a Person exists. It's so much easier to believe the opposite.
I've been walking with Jesus for nearly a quarter of a century, but I am just now coming to accept that He is KIND. He is the GOOD GUY! He WANTS to bless me, and free me from chains of hopelessness. He doesn't just walk with you through the valleys, He leads you to still waters, He makes you lie down in green pastures. He restores your soul.
He has restored mine.
So, how does this relate to food? Well, I'm realizing that food really is not the problem. Yes, making healthy food choices is an essential part of taking care of this body I was given. And yes, some food choices are never really "healthy." But....I am seeing that "skinny people" eat anything. Everything. They just don't eat ALL the things. Skinny people eat cake - just not ALL the cake. Skinny people eat French fries - just not ALL the fries. My Higher Power is not out to deprive me of these things - He is out to show me how to enjoy them without being ruled by them.
I can also see how every step along the way - crash diets, keto diets, exercise diets, gluten free diets, diets for gastric reflux, even vegetarian and vegan diets - have all played a part in achieving the balance that I am finding now. I have learned how to live without sweets and processed foods. I have learned how to become accustomed to new tastes and textures, even if they were unappealing at first. I have learned how to be OK with going to bed a little bit hungry (because I love sleep even more than I love food, and with my reflux issues being hungry was better than waking up choking at 3am). I have learned that the "rules" for health are flexible, each diet having something to offer but none able to offer all the answers. All of those pieces were in place before I got to where I am now. My Higher Power wasn't holding me back until I learned my lesson; He was guiding me to freedom while I will still a slave.
Food is a WONDERFUL gift, y'all. It's amazing. SO many flavors, textures, tastes...it's virtually endless. I am thankful for that gift. I am thankful for keto. I am thankful for birthday cakes and French fries. I am thankful for Holy Grail Pizza Crust. I am thankful for all my readers, who stick with me even when I go ages between updating my posts.
I am THANKFUL.
And I pray that you all come to where you can be in on this thankfulness too.